relapse

so I relapsed from my month of being clean. today I am starting again.  if I can keep from cutting for even a month and a day, then that is good enough. hopefully the meds will help.

neurotin

there is a scientific name, which i will post later, but for now the street name will work. so far I am on 100mg 2x a day, and it’s actually making a difference.  its not like valume (if uv ever been on that). it just makes everything your worried about seem less dire. and no longer having to fight the anxiety gives me more angry, so I can keep the depression at bay for hours at a time. not a perfect fix but hey Ill take It. only side effects are talking really fast, uncoordination, and I crash after a while (I am going to be on it 3x a day to get rid of that)

concerta

so I went on concerta a week ago. at the beginning I just felt weird, like my arms and legs really weren’t attatched. which was fine, I mean that’s something I can deal with.  but then I got in a fight with my mom and went completely off the handle, like screaming and hitting stuff and breaking things, which isn’t like me at all. I was actually scaring myself, I’ve never been so angry in my life. it didn’t go away until I walked around foe two hours and i passed out from exhaustion. it also worsened my depression and anxiety. I felt too crappy to blog. I’m off it now though

Crappy day.

So I just discovered the drums… aka a bucket,  sticks and my ipod. Turns out I’m prettu decent at it. Playing drums is the best I have felt all summer. Five hours later though I completely crashed and felt as bad as I did on zoloft. I am really hoping that it was still the wellbutrin in my system… cuz if that’s me, I have some serious (er) issues

Wellbutrin

I just went off wellbutrin a few days ago. I was on a dose of 150 mg a day, taken in the morning around 7 or 8. A day after i started it, i felt sick. I have never had the flu before (weird, i know) but apparently thats what it felt like. I was horribly sick to my stomach, had a headache, was shaky, had hotflashes, and just felt over all horrible. the next day, my muscles started to twitch. Within the next week, My appetite was gone completly. I didnt eat for three days (youd be surprised how fast you lose weight when you dont eat). I was dizzy, sick, not sleeping, and more depressed than usual. I have been off it for three days, and though my appetite is back, the rest of the symptoms are marginally worse. three cheers for withdrawal.