so I relapsed from my month of being clean. today I am starting again. if I can keep from cutting for even a month and a day, then that is good enough. hopefully the meds will help.
neurotin
there is a scientific name, which i will post later, but for now the street name will work. so far I am on 100mg 2x a day, and it’s actually making a difference. its not like valume (if uv ever been on that). it just makes everything your worried about seem less dire. and no longer having to fight the anxiety gives me more angry, so I can keep the depression at bay for hours at a time. not a perfect fix but hey Ill take It. only side effects are talking really fast, uncoordination, and I crash after a while (I am going to be on it 3x a day to get rid of that)
concerta
so I went on concerta a week ago. at the beginning I just felt weird, like my arms and legs really weren’t attatched. which was fine, I mean that’s something I can deal with. but then I got in a fight with my mom and went completely off the handle, like screaming and hitting stuff and breaking things, which isn’t like me at all. I was actually scaring myself, I’ve never been so angry in my life. it didn’t go away until I walked around foe two hours and i passed out from exhaustion. it also worsened my depression and anxiety. I felt too crappy to blog. I’m off it now though
Crappy day.
So I just discovered the drums… aka a bucket, sticks and my ipod. Turns out I’m prettu decent at it. Playing drums is the best I have felt all summer. Five hours later though I completely crashed and felt as bad as I did on zoloft. I am really hoping that it was still the wellbutrin in my system… cuz if that’s me, I have some serious (er) issues
Most terrifying thing I have ever read
“We become what we think about most of the time, and that’s the strangest secret.” -Earl Nightingale
The funny thing about depression is that it wont ever let you think of anything else. One hell of a vicious circle.
Wellbutrin
I just went off wellbutrin a few days ago. I was on a dose of 150 mg a day, taken in the morning around 7 or 8. A day after i started it, i felt sick. I have never had the flu before (weird, i know) but apparently thats what it felt like. I was horribly sick to my stomach, had a headache, was shaky, had hotflashes, and just felt over all horrible. the next day, my muscles started to twitch. Within the next week, My appetite was gone completly. I didnt eat for three days (youd be surprised how fast you lose weight when you dont eat). I was dizzy, sick, not sleeping, and more depressed than usual. I have been off it for three days, and though my appetite is back, the rest of the symptoms are marginally worse. three cheers for withdrawal.
Prozac
Prozac is like the typical antidepressant, the one you think of when you think depression. I had really high hopes for this one. my doctor had said that “If Zoloft doesnt work, Prozac works”. It didnt. After two weeks of feeling nothing, I went up on my dose. In a way, Prozac was just as scary as Zoloft. It took me a week to realize I felt more depressed. It was a creepy, gradual worsening that snuck up behind me.
Other side effects I had were insomnia and horrible stomach aches which resulted in loss of appetite.
Zoloft
Oh god, Zoloft.
I started zoloft on March 28th. By the 30th, i felt good. Not just, ‘oh, I had a good nights sleep’ good; I felt the way i felt before the depression set in. I actually sat down and cried because i was so happy and so releived. It felt like someone had taken weights off my shoulders.
Within two days, I began to feel a bit worse. The day after that, I was back to my regular depression. The next day, I was in absolute hell.
I couldn’t go to school, I had crying jags every hour, and could barely get out of bed. The only reason I didn’t cut (something else i struggle with as well) is because i didnt have the energy. I have never been so miserable in my life and I am not exaggerating when I say i wanted to die. Every last vestige of hope was drained from me and I felt like I would never be okay ever again.
One of the main side effects of Zoloft was getting worse, then better. I still consider going back on zoloft, because at this point, any amount of pain is worth feeling better. I just want to make sure i will be able to live through the mindfuck of this drug that comes before the releif.
Lexapro
So as of now, I have been on 4 different antidepressants. Part of the reason I am blogging all this is to keep track of it all.
Lexapro was the first medicine I started. A few days after the first dose (a veeery small dose), I got a rash that looked like acne all over my chest. By the end of the week the rash had spread to behind my ears and on my eyelids. Needless to say, I didnt stay on that long.
The only other side effect I had was tiredness. Wake up, eat breakfast, go to school, homeroom, sleep. 3rd period, sleep. 6th period, sleep. 8th period, sleep. Go home, sleep. Do an hour of homework, accidentally fall asleep til 6 the next morning.
Despite my bad side effects, this is supposedly a great drug for kids dealing with depression.
At War With My Mind 